How Does Transformation Happen?

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“It doesn’t happen by accident, and it doesn’t happen by choice. It happens when a deeper want demands attention—and is fully honored.”

“It’s easy to ignore the call of a deeper want, and even easier to come up with reasons why now is not the time to honor it. I did that for years. But the resullt of being deaf to my deepest desire was an unfulfilling life, a  life of compromise and postponement.

Thank goodness I found Bonnie. As my life coach, she rolled out a red carpet invitiation to heed the call of my deepest want and to start living a fulfilling life right now. And because of her encouragement and support, I was able to do so.

Bonnie helped me move forward, despite my fear, by encouraging me to tap into something that is bigger than fear—excitement, curiosity, passion. She helped me see the big picture and create a space around a problem so that insights could arise. She was deeply committed to my success, even when I was filled with self-doubt.

The result is that I’m now excited about my future, which seems full of possibilities. More important, I’m deeply satisfied with my life as it unfolds. That’s because, thanks to Bonnie, I’m no longer settling for a life of compromise and postponement. I’m living the real thing, right here, right now.” — J. Griffin

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How many of you have found peace to be an elusive thing?

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This is a very personal story and I am sharing it now because it’s time, and because I wonder how many of you have found peace to be an elusive thing?

Before I found HeartMath® I lived with a pain in my heart that was there day and night, every day. I was never able to feel peace, in any setting or circumstance. Peace was simply not available to me.

This thing I came to call “heart feeling” drove me to seek help beginning at age 19 and I continued to seek help at different points over many years. I saw many therapists and went through a lot of talk therapy and nothing helped.

I did a great deal of self help of every kind, from body work to energy work to yoga and meditation. Even while meditating, that pain, that sensation was always there and peace eluded me.

When I decided to train to be certified as a HeartMath® coach my practice became very regular and disciplined and with the help of my HeartMath®coaches I became very skilled at practicing the HeartMath® tools and techniques. One day while practicing a HeartMath® technique it was as if a dam broke in my heart and I began to cry and I cried for a long time. It was very powerful and when the crying stopped my heart was free and I settled into a peace I had never known.

For me this was a miracle.

Who doesn’t want peace in their heart, peace in there life? By accessing the wisdom and intelligence in our own hearts we can learn to drop into that place of true peace. If you are breathing and have a heart, you too can find this heart of peace.

Where’s the Gap?

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Where’s the Gap? No, not the retail-clothing store, but the gap between where you are now and where you want to be in your life. Is your gap in the area of your career? The quality of your relationships? Your health and well-being? The balance between work and family? Maybe yours is the Grand Canyon of gaps: the sense of yearning, the feeling that there should be more meaning and purpose to life than what you are currently experiencing.

The idea of life purpose is gaining in significance for so many people. I see this in my own work as a coach and also in the growing number of books and articles written on the subject. We all seem to need to feel that our lives have meaning and that our work is an expression of this. So why are so many people dissatisfied and disillusioned in their lives and careers?

Here’s a major reason for this dilemma: we get out of high school and have only barely learned to drive and now we are expected to choose a major, i.e., decide what it is we want to do with our lives. If you think back to this time of your life, you can see how preposterous it is to expect to have the answer to such a momentous question at such a young age.

Granted, there are the fortunate few who have always known what they wanted to do with their lives. But most of us simply choose a major, graduate, and take a job that either relates to that choice or doesn’t. And more often than not, we stay in that job because we don’t think we have other options.

A good question to ask yourself is, “Why am I doing what I’m doing?”

If the answer is, “Because I’m good at it” rather than “Because I love doing it,” that’s a good clue that you’ve fallen into the gap separating you from a life of meaning and purpose. It’s easy to confuse what you’re good at with what you love to do. The truth is you can be very good at something and really not like doing it.

You can also be good at doing something that isn’t in alignment with your core values. When this happens, you may find yourself caught in the uncomfortable gap between truth and compromise, between who you really are and what you are doing. It’s a painful place to be.

For example, if one of your core values is integrity, being asked to compromise your integrity in the course of your job can lead to dissatisfaction and even despair. On the other hand, designing a career and life that allows you to be a person of integrity will bring a significant sense of well-being.

Who you are is firmly embedded in your core values. Yet most people have never considered what their core values are, let alone articulated them or prioritized them. As a coach, this is one of the first places I start with a client. We mine for those values and we create a list that then becomes a place of reference when the big decisions have to be made.

It’s my experience that under all that stuff we have accumulated — the degrees, the job titles, the various roles we play, and yes, the material stuff — is that gift, that talent, that “thing” that you alone can do, that has heart and meaning for you, and that is in alignment with your core values.

Once you have decided that you’ve had enough of whatever it is you’re doing or the life you are living, then you can start the work of uncovering who you really are and what you truly love. This is not necessarily an easy process. It can take work, courage and a firm commitment to find and live your authentic life. And it takes a lot of support.

Coaches are uniquely qualified to help in this process of self-discovery. We are firmly in your corner. We believe in you and your vision and we tell the truth. We see where you’re tricking yourself and call you on it. We see where your stumbling blocks are and help you to overcome them. And we hold your vision for you when it is tough for you to still see it.

The great poet Rumi said, “Feel yourself being quietly drawn by the deeper pull of what you truly love.” What’s calling you? What’s pulling you out of the gap and into a fulfilling life? The pursuit of your true passion is worth all the effort and courage you can muster to realize it. So “roll up you sleeves, not your dreams!”

The Neuroscience of Why Gratitude Makes Us Healthier

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“Our world is pretty messed up. With all the violence, pollution and crazy things people do, it would be easy to turn into a grouchy old man without being either elderly or male. There’s certainly no shortage of justification for disappointment and cynicism.

But consider this: Negative attitudes are bad for you. And gratitude, it turns out, makes you happier and healthier. If you invest in a way of seeing the world that is mean and frustrated, you’re going to get a world that is, well, more mean and frustrating. But if you can find any authentic reason to give thanks, anything that is going right with the world or your life, and put your attention there, then statistics say you’re going to be better off.

Does this mean to live in a state of constant denial and put your head in the sand? Of course not. Gratitude works when you’re grateful for something real. Feeling euphoric and spending money like you just won the lottery when you didn’t is probably going to make you real poor, real quick. But what are you actually grateful for? It’s a question that could change your life.

Recent studies have concluded that the expression of gratitude can have profound and positive effects on our health, our moods and even the survival of our marriages.

As Drs. Blaire and Rita Justice reported for the University of Texas Health Science Center, “a growing body of research shows that gratitude is truly amazing in its physical and psychosocial benefits.”

In one study on gratitude, conducted by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., at the University of California at Davis and his colleague Mike McCullough at the University of Miami, randomly assigned participants were given one of three tasks. Each week, participants kept a short journal. One group briefly described five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week, another five recorded daily hassles from the previous week that displeased them, and the neutral group was asked to list five events or circumstances that affected them, but they were not told whether to focus on the positive or on the negative. Ten weeks later, participants in the gratitude group felt better about their lives as a whole and were a full 25 percent happier than the hassled group. They reported fewer health complaints, and exercised an average of 1.5 hours more.

In a later study by Emmons, people were asked to write every day about things for which they were grateful. Not surprisingly, this daily practice led to greater increases in gratitude than did the weekly journaling in the first study. But the results showed another benefit: Participants in the gratitude group also reported offering others more emotional support or help with a personal problem, indicating that the gratitude exercise increased their goodwill towards others, or more tehnically, their “pro-social” motivation.

Another study on gratitude was conducted with adults having congenital and adult-onset neuromuscular disorders (NMDs), with the majority having post-polio syndrome (PPS). Compared to those who were not jotting down their blessings nightly, participants in the gratitude group reported more hours of sleep each night, and feeling more refreshed upon awakening. The gratitude group also reported more satisfaction with their lives as a whole, felt more optimism about the upcoming week, and felt considerably more connected with others than did participants in the control group.

Perhaps most tellingly, the positive changes were markedly noticeable to others. According to the researchers, “Spouses of the participants in the gratitude (group) reported that the participants appeared to have higher subjective well-being than did the spouses of the participants in the control (group).”

There’s an old saying that if you’ve forgotten the language of gratitude, you’ll never be on speaking terms with happiness. It turns out this isn’t just a fluffy idea. Several studies have shown depression to be inversely correlated to gratitude. It seems that the more grateful a person is, the less depressed they are. Philip Watkins, a clinical psychologist at Eastern Washington University, found that clinically depressed individuals showed significantly lower gratitude (nearly 50 percent less) than non-depressed controls.

Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington has been researching marriages for two decades. The conclusion of all that research, he states, is that unless a couple is able to maintain a high ratio of positive to negative encounters (5:1 or greater), it is likely the marriage will end.

With 90 percent accuracy, Gottman says he can predict, often after only three minutes of observation, which marriages are likely to flourish and which are likely to flounder. The formula is that for every negative expression (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive ones (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude).

Apparently, positive vibes aren’t just for hippies. If you want in on the fun, here are some simple things you can do to build positive momentum toward a more happy and fulfilling life:

  1. Keep a daily journal of three things you are thankful for. This works well first thing in the morning, or just before you go to bed.
  2. Make it a practice to tell a spouse, partner or friend something you appreciate about them every day.
  3. Look in the mirror when you are brushing your teeth, and think about something you have done well recently or something you like about yourself.

Sure this world gives us plenty of reasons to despair. But when we get off the fast track to morbidity, and cultivate instead an attitude of gratitude, things don’t just look better — they actually get better. Thankfulness feels good, it’s good for you and it’s a blessing for the people around you, too. It’s such a win-win-win that I’d say we have cause for gratitude.”

— Ocean Robbins, author, speaker, facilitator, movement builder and father.

So You’ve Decided to Hire a Professional Coach—Now What?

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Choosing a professional coach to assist you in moving forward in your life and creating a life of success, fulfillment and balance requires that you do some homework. Here are some guidelines in selecting the coach that can best help you to achieve your personal and professional goals.

The most important thing to look for in selecting a coach is someone with whom you feel a natural rapport—someone with whom you can easily communicate, feel a sense of trust, and can co-design a powerful partnership that will help you produce the results you are looking for in your personal and professional life.

Coaching is—or should be—a partnership of equals, so it’s important to select a coach who is able to enter into the relationship as an equal. You and your coach will be working together in the service of your agenda, not theirs. A masterful coach will listen, observe, and customize their approach to meet your individual needs. A coach who is flexible and has a collaborative style is much more likely to help you achieve your personal goals than a rigid and authoritarian coach.

Since explaining what coaching is and how it works can be challenging for both coach and prospective client, the best way to understand why coaching is so effective is to actually experience it. Many coaches offer a complimentary coaching session so you can try it out. I highly recommend taking advantage of this opportunity. And it’s a great way to determine the degree of rapport you feel with the coach you are considering.

Here are some questions to ask a prospective coach:

  • What is your coaching experience?
  • What is your coach-specific training?
  • What is your coaching specialty?
  • What is your philosophy about coaching?
  • Do you offer a complimentary session?

Since coaching is a profession in which certification and licensure are not yet required in most states in the U.S., there are many individuals who are calling themselves coaches who have not been formally trained in specific coaching skills and are transferring skill sets from other professions into their coaching. Often this results in an inadequate or ineffective coaching experience for clients.

If you are considering hiring a coach, be diligent in asking the coach if they have been specifically trained in coaching. Don’t assume that a coach is competent because they have other professional credentials or set high fees.

As you evaluate prospective coaches, keep in mind that the coach’s job is to provide support and help you produce the results you want in your personal and professional life. Who you choose as your partner in this endeavor is extremely important. You are always your best investment. Invest wisely when hiring a professional coach. As with any sound investment, you will be very pleased with the returns.